This little segment is dedicated to all of the people pleasing self-joy sucking clean up after everyone’s mess ladies and gents in the world. If you got a tad a bit offended by that sentence, then you are most likely what I like to call a “PP”- People Pleasure.
When managing life with a chronic illness people pleasing can solidify your quest for ultimate self disaster. Learning how to say ”NO” without falling apart is crucial to making it work.
DON’T BE A “PP”
We’re all guilty of it. We’ve been there. We’ve accepted taking on the extra work when we know theres just no extra time to utilize in our schedule. We’ve pushed through the lengthy long winded little league after party when we can’t feel the left sides of our bodies just to “appear” to be a good team Mom. We’ve agreed to watch our friends dog because we felt guilty about their sob story to not be able to find a kennel before their luxurious trip to Greece.
People Pleasers are only trying to self validate their own worth by lending to the needs of others. When they “fix” others situations, relationships, traumas etc…in turn they feel self worth. You’re self worth is not defined by the amount of assistance you contribute to others. Read that little ditty again. You’re self worth is not defined by the amount of assistance you contribute to others.
STOP IT! YOU’RE NOT A “PP”!
Learning how to say “no” without feeling like compete and utter sh*% about yourself is a tricky thing to master. I get it. I used to be a “PP”. I would kick myself in the a$$ every time i let someone down. What do they tell you on an airplane in the training portion at the beginning of every flight? Put YOUR mask on FIRST and then assist anyone next to you. You can’t save anyone if you are not taking care of yourself FIRST.
Navigating through this new found narrative is totally doable and can also be rather successful is approached in the right way. Let’s give it a go shall we?
Say it with me, “No” or if you want to put some sparkle in with it, “No, Thank you.”
You don’t need to tip toe around the ”No” with excuses like “Well, I feel horrible that I can’t…” “You’re going to kill me but…” “I know I promised and I am so incredibly sorry but…”
The second you start to back pedal with the over apologetic vibes you’ve already lessened your stance in the situation. You’re the one in control of what you participate in. Nobody else. So don’t let go of your own self dominance. I don’t mean that in a way of saying “Go dominate everyone and everything in yourself.” Dominate yourself! Meaning, be secure if your own decisions and self control to know your limits and boundaries.
NO, THAT’S NOT BEING SELFISH
When I first started practicing the art of “No” I could immediately pick up on who would not be joining me on this band wagon pilgrimage I was setting off on. I was called self centered, egotistical and narcissistic even. But I choose to let it roll off because I knew that self care and setting boundaries for my well being was more valuable than someone else’s interpretation of my growth. Growth can be extremely intimidating for some.
You may get the “Oh you think you’re so much better than me.” “Ride off on your high horse then…” I’m sure our ears have all heard variations of such comments.
Being able to advocate for your own self preservation is a beautiful thing. It means you have a heightened self awareness and a sh%^ ton of self respect!
DON’T EXPECT EVERYONE TO GROW WITH YOU…
It’s safe to say that we don’t have all of the same friends and aquantaneces we once had in grade school. Maybe a few good eggs that lasted throughout the years but as we grow and develop our standards grow and develop as well. If one of your limbs has necrosis and the surgeon is saying it needs to be amputated…don’t refuse removal and drag around a lifeless routing appendage throughout your years to come. It’s okay to remove the dead weight if it’s not contributing to your life in a positive way anymore.
It can be upsetting to feel empowered by new changes you‘re making solid in your life and of course when we are moved and motivated by something that is empowering, we want to share our new found glory with the ones closest to us. It can be a major buzz kill to share our new path and have others frown upon it or judge us. It’s going to happen. They gonna judge baby…comes with the territory. So analyze the scenario on a case to case and filter through who gets placed into certain categories of your life.
The “Ride or Dies”- the ones who will always be there for you and cheer you on
The “Hey, hope you’re well”s- the ones you touch base with from time to time
The “Only calls when they need something”s- No you don’t have to respond…come on now.
Your categories may differ and I’m sure more than just 3 categories are applicable in this case. But you get the idea.
TAKE HOME…
Start with a small “no”- maybe you told a friend you would make fresh baked cookies for a neighborhood bake sale and you can’t fathom figuring out how to make it happen now that you’re in a flare up. GO FOR STORE BOUGHT. Brag about how awesome the super market bakery is. And if you get an eye roll from another overachiever Mom, call them out on it.
Be proud of yourself for taking the next step towards self love and boundary awareness! You’re doing it! And that‘s awesome!
Empower others to do the same- You’re not alone in your new mission to say “No!”