I've been getting many ladies and gentleman reaching out to me on social media platforms- IG and FB. Who have been recently diagnosed and are not quite sure how to process their new lives. I wanted to customize a blog towards the responses I am giving to assist anyone who is feeling a bit lost this holiday season and who is seeking some sort of guiding road to plant their feet on.
I often get messages from people asking how I felt when I was first diagnosed. They are seeking some sort of validation that the feelings that are overwhelming them are normal or acceptable. I understand this struggle of acceptance and know it too well. When I was first diagnosed I had whiplash as far as emotions go. Look at everything you have working against you here.
*Diagnosis Shock
*Overwhelming Emotions
*Add in immediate steroids (amplifying your already spiraling emotions)
*Ugly Crying
*Confusion
*Fear
*Add in a million phone calls from your neurologist and infusion clinic.
*Worry about your disability hindering your future
*Fear of being a burden
*Getting advice from others can be overwhelming
*Trying to educate yourself what with changes you need to make
*Reading on the internet too much- falling down the rabbit hole
How anyone would not be freaking out is insane to think of. We need to know that everyone processes things differently and that is NORMAL and most of all ACCEPTABLE. We have this crazy notion that we are supposed to be strong right off the bat and be able to handle this type of news with grace and poise. Try again.
It's OK to ugly cry and have whiplash emotions for as long as you need to. Whether it be a few days, few weeks or few months. Who is to say how long is long enough to grieve? I recently had a young woman reach out on IG and ask me if she was crazy to feel like her diagnosis was like a death. She felt as if her diagnosis was like losing a loved on. I explained to her that I was telling my husband that I constantly in the beginning felt like my diagnosis was similar to a break up. Feeling the lost of someone you loved. Breaking up with your past life. I told her I knew exactly how she was feeling and that it made complete sense.
Allowing ourselves to undergo all the levels of grief is important and valuable to a long term acceptance of our new normal. It's part of the process. We can not get to point Z without traveling through the whole alphabet of insanity and woe is me fear. We seem to feel guilt for going through A through Y. We just want to get to Z right away. But if we are reluctant to give the rest of the letters attention we slowly lose the full affect of Z. Basically go through the whole process because that is what forms you into your final outcome. I like to think of myself somewhere in the M range. However I am still so new into my diagnosis and only 1 full Rituxan Infusion in. I can still walk but use a walking cane.
But it's all about perspective. Changing how you view disability. Changing how you view yourself. Changing how you view your capabilities. When I see someone in a wheelchair I never even prior to my diagnosis felt pity or that my life was better than theirs. When I see someone in a wheelchair or with a more severe disability I see a warrior. I see a fighter because they are going through life just like we are but with more obstacles. That is a truly inspirational and beautiful thing.
Ultimately we can not change our fate. We can not change the outcome of how our bodies choose to change our lives. We may continue to deteriorate with our disability but if our hearts and minds are in a healthy joyous place we overcompensate for what we lack physically. Changing our perspective brings us peace and acceptance.
When we figure this out and turn our will over to God we not only free ourselves but that is when we begin to inspire others to follow in our foot steps. We encourage change. We encourage acceptance. We instill knowing that every single emotion that flows from us is healthy and normal and we should never feel guilty for this.
Everyone's path is unique. Everyone's process is different. We can lean on others for advice and guidance but I honestly feel that the best source of using your fellow warriors to guide you is just through knowing that you are not alone in this adventure. Knowing that you feel exactly the same as someone else going through their diagnosis is so assuring to know you're not crazy or acting irrationally. We're not crazy. We are human. When we are done ugly crying and filling the sleeves of our sweaters with tears and snot we change our sweater, grab some tissues, blow our noses, shake it off and make baby steps towards recovery.