Learning that the body you have known your whole life is nothing like you thought it was is a hard pill to swallow. It’s a strange notion to be inside a body you don’t recognize and even harder to try to decipher what it's trying to communicate to you. It’s honestly like learning a new language. At least that’s how my brain decided to translate my shift into the world of disability and chronic illness. Multiple sclerosis has taught me a lot. How to get really good at saying “no” to things. How to know and respect my physical limitations. How to prioritize good mental health, boundaries and self care. All good things in my opinion. It’s nearly impossible to achieve personal growth without personal awareness.
We have to get really good at looking at ourselves through a microscope. If we observe everything carefully, we can better understand what’s going on. But the closer we look, the more flaws we see. It’s sort of like using a light up mega zoom mirror. That thing is going to show you everything. Every imperfection, every flaw, every bump and bruise. You’re really laying it all out there for the world to see. Disability is very much the same way. It’s naked. It’s raw and bare and exposed. It’s vulnerable.
That’s all to be expected but what about the insecurities we face when we are entering into uncharted waters? New territory is unfamiliar. It can be intimidating. It can make us feel uneasy. It’s natural to feel these insecurities. We’re only human. It takes continual jabs into altering our mindset to not only look at our insecurities with love and compassion but to really embrace them and use them as fuel. It’s easy to stay stuck in the mud of feeling like crap about your illness. MS is hard. It’s draining, both physically and mentally. Let’s not forget emotionally.
I really try to change the way I look at the hard parts. Instead of snapping back at someone mad dogging me as I pull into a handicap spot, I blatantly smile and wave. Which makes things a bit uncomfortable for the mad dogger. But it keeps me in a place of positivity.
Analyzing the most challenging parts of yourself puts us in a place of being able to overcome it. Recognizing yes, this is hard. Yes, this sucks. Yes, this is painful. We think often that the only way to move past something is by pushing it down and undermining it. I honestly just think that the only way to truly overcome anything is by fully and completely acknowledging it in the first place. Welcome the reality into your space and then make a game plan for yourself. Let the pain fuel you to keep going. Let the frustration build you and shape you. Growth never comes from being comfortable. MS makes me uncomfortable on a daily basis. But, I truly believe it has made me stronger. It has offered perspective. I look at life with so much more value than I did pre-diagnosis. I trust my intuition more. I surprise myself all the time. I’m less quick to let my emotions get the best of me, because I know I’ll pay for it in the following days.
One of my favorite tattoos is a quote from August Wilson and I try to live by this daily. “Confront the dark parts of yourself. Work to banish them with illumination and forgives. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel. As a reminder of your strength.”
I’d like to challenge whoever is reading this to start looking at the struggles in yourself as fuel to overcome it. The scars are beautiful. The obstacles hold value. Your gait and balance may not be perfect but it belongs to YOU. It’s yours. It’s unique. It’s beautiful. You have the ability to own it and make it work for you, not against you.