When fear has a face



They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I think a picture is more like one billion words. People ask me “Are you scared?” and I have to be honest yes, I am. But there is a certain level I will allow myself to reach. I have the tendency to allow myself to go to a dark place. I know this about myself. So, I know the limits of where to allow my mind to wonder. If I wander outside of the safe zone I am dangerously in a space of irreversible destruction. So, I don’t allow myself to play with the “fire” of my mind. If I did it would end up in the state southern California is at the moment. Smoldering is a mass of debris, pollution and broken dreams.

To anyone who asks me what my first reaction was looking at my scans I would be sure as you know what to say that I was honestly relieved. I imagine it would be the same reaction to face your assailant in a police lineup. It’s scary and nerve wracking and you’re glad you emptied your bladder before hand but when you are finally able to put a face to the monster in your mind it’s peaceful and solidifies every replay of this movie you have in your mind that’s busted on a loop. My monster now has a face. It’s not some mythical MS beast that lurks inside my body. I can visually identity it now and for that I have found comfort.

I won’t go on and on in this blog but I am happy to announce my MS has a face. I named my 18 mm lesion of my thoracic spine “Fred”. Everyone needs a name right? Fred is responsible for the lack of ability in my left leg and why I go tip tip boom about 30 times a day. He’s there, he’s loud and proud and strutting his stuff. Fred has “followers” as I like to call them. Everyone needs a friend. I promise I’m not delusional by the way. I’ve just trained my brain to compute and process news differently now. I know this is a survival tactic. I am facing my assailant and looking at his mug shot now. Fred’s not all that bad you know. He’s just part of my MS journey now. 


xo A Hot M

Leave a comment